INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO BE HUMAN

By Deborah Ojo

The baboons wanted to become humans. They pleaded with God and He promised to grant their request in one week's time with one condition: that they keep this matter a secret.

​But God told man to spread his "good news". Baboon, oh baboon couldn't keep it to himself. He jumped from tree to tree and wondered if the crickets could hear his thoughts.

It wasn't even the age of vlogs, yet Baboon couldn't sit still. He had no followers, nobody to get ready with them as they become human. Baboon, oh baboon didn't have chat or Gemini to be their gist partner.

​Baboon piled bananas high and imagined them as castles, an entirely new creation – like God would in a swipe turn them to new things.

​Baboons, oh baboons fantasized about innovation. They would also discover new things, gain lands, have rules, be indomitable. They thought about rules and wars; they knew fights were inevitable.

​The more beautiful baboons were certain they would become richer and prettier than others. Chattered this to their friends.

​They became the queen.

First to take their bath, wash their face, apply banana lotion and green moisturizing cream to their hair. The most beautiful humans would come from the baboons with better skincare.

​Now, there is a queue on the way to God and the most favored now dreams about her crush. The men, oh the male baboons wanted their soon-to-be wives to know, and the queens had to lay claim to their men.

​So away goes their victory; they drew boundaries. "We'll become humans, like you," they sang to humans. These ones don't know humans keep secrets.

​The Baboons tried so hard to become humans, they forgot the order for Baboon's humanity.