WHAT CAUSES CHEMISTRY AND HOW IMPORTANT IS IT IN ANY RELATIONSHIP?

By Akande Aanuoluwapo 

I guess we’ve seen scenes in movies or books where people meet and they just “click” and become best of friends or the ones where two people meet and they experience all the “fireworks” and “butterflies” we wish to experience someday with someone.  In the real world, we often question how often or if people experience that kind of chemistry with someone and does it last. Why do we feel a connection with one person and do not feel it with another person? And, is chemistry required for the sustainability of a relationship?

 To answer one of the questions, chemistry is real although it’s rare and according to the American Psychology Association,” chemistry is feeling an instant connection the first time you meet someone”. Whether in a friendship, professional or romantic relationship, people who experience chemistry feel their interaction as something more than the sum of their separate contributions but is it true? Are there factors that contribute to it? Or is there a mystery behind it?

  Looking at chemistry from a biological point of view, whenever we have chemistry with someone, our brain produces dopamine, the neurotransmitter that sends information when you’re happy or excited. Just like any other relationship, there will be highs and lows but the presence of chemistry makes it easier for you to solve issues on time as time spent with this person triggers the release of dopamine. That’s why chemistry is important in a relationship. However, does this mean a relationship cannot survive without chemistry?  And, can one without it last for a long time?

   It’s important to note that a relationship (either friendship or romance) involves much more than chemistry. A relationship cannot last on chemistry alone or will it fizzle out. According to Gary Brown, an experienced   family therapist, “While chemistry is a wonderful way to start a relationship, it tends to take a bit of a backseat for couples who have relationships that last longer than a few weeks, months, or years.”

 So, friendship, trust, mutual respect, and emotional intimacy are factors that sustain a relationship. However, a relationship without chemistry may also suffer a bit. This leads to the question “How does chemistry happen?” Well, chemistry in relationships has a little bit of mystery. Nicole Prause, a sexual psychophysiologist and neuroscientist said, “We understand a fair amount of what happens when attraction has already occurred, but we’re really bad at predicting when it will happen.”  

Amongst many others, these are some factors that foster chemistry:

1) Similarity: this is when you and the other person share the same humour, worldview and values so you tend to complete each other’s sentences. Imagine having a good laugh with someone who gets your jokes while you get theirs. That will surely bring about a good feeling.

2) Personableness: when people are kind, patient and caring to each other, it increases the intensity of emotions between them. It’s no rocket science; everyone wants to be loved, cherished and respected.

3) Physical attraction: Even in a platonic relationship, physical attraction is a factor that fosters chemistry. It’s based on a simple logic. When you have attractive friends, it increases your chances of being with an attractive partner.

4) Reciprocal Candor: when you feel like you can share your deepest secrets, desires or ambitions with a person without feeling judged.

Some other factors include genuine empathy, matching personalities, responsiveness, etc.

Although chemistry may be a result of the combination of the above factors and even some biological factors (some have claimed that similarity in physical appearances may just be one of the causes of chemistry), one factor that has however remained constant in the formation of a new relationship is a similarity in values. So, as good as chemistry may be, other things like compatibility and character matter in the long run.